My first week: Overwhelming & emotional

'I tried to hold it together, but the overwhelm had struck me like a tonne of bricks.'

For the first two days of term, my mentor was in the classroom with me, and she modelled the most amazing teaching. Like any good teacher, she gradually released the reigns, and I very quickly knew what was expected of me. Having worked on Lorraine for nearly 11 years, I was an experienced member of the team and an old hand. My self-efficacy was high, and my knowledge was secure. Starting a new job always involves a period of training and learning, and it can often feel awkward, confusing and overwhelming. You’re all too aware that you’ll soon be doing everything that you’re seeing and hearing, and the sheer weight of it all can feel heavy and unattainable. 

Although I was a trainee, I was the teacher, and that was made clear to the class. I was standing in front of 20+ children and delivering lessons on literacy, reading, maths and science. Assessments, talking to parents, and sorting out the many tears, squabbles and forgotten cardigans were just some of my many duties.

Before starting on the programme, I knew that I'd be teaching 60% of the timetable, and I often heard people say that you’re thrown in at the deep end. Our children returned to school on a Thursday and just two days into my first term, I felt like a baby who'd been chucked into the water and told to swim. It also became increasingly real just how deep I’d been thrown in. 

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I learned a huge amount in my first two days, and I realised the enormity of the job. The classroom preparation was a carousel in constant motion, with preparation before school, after school, at playtime and at lunchtime. I became an expert at wolfing down salad, and every morning I’d open a yoghurt that I knew I’d never finish eating. The days of popping out at lunch, catching up on life admin and replying to friends, were no longer a part of my new look lunchtime. With our race against-time approach to classroom prep, I thought we’d all be great on ’Changing Rooms’ or ‘60 Minute Makeover'.

On my second day of school, I had my first PPA time (planning, preparation and assessment) with Year 1. The planning seemed like a mountain I’d never conquer, and I hated feeling like the excruciating weak link. I wanted to feel competent and work efficiently, but instead, I was querying buttons and processes. Technology and systems can always be a huge hurdle when you start a new job. I had to use several different accounts and systems, and it felt like I had a million different logins. Online subject resources, shared drives, the calendar and email were all integral to the job, and I had to find the time to get them organised.

I was very used to having pre-training on new systems, but I was very much learning on the go here. After my first two days in school, I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. This was a completely new arena for me, and there was so much to do and learn. I was often the last one out the door each evening, and the gracious site manager would usher me out with a smile, just before 6:30pm.

Over the weekend, I was looking at lesson plans and resources, and I wondered how I'd even find time for my university assignment. My school days were long days, and the evenings didn't allow for much study time. I knew that my weekends would have to include some assignment time if I was going to get anything written. I struggled to sleep on the Friday night, and I think that was all to do with adrenalin and my mind racing a million miles an hour. My body clock had well and truly adapted to the early wake-up calls, and 7am felt like a lie-in. 

On Monday morning, I was feeling quite emotional as I once again navigated the high expectations. I tried to hold it together, but the overwhelm hit me like a tonne of bricks. I knew that the horse was going to bolt, and I couldn't catch up with it quickly enough to stop it. I knew that a volcano could explode at any moment, and it did. I put my glasses on and tried my very best to make it as painless and discreet as possible. I ran into another teacher's classroom, and she instantly knew how I was feeling. She was an early career teacher and had been a Godsend from the start. She knew exactly what I was going through and later told me that she had bet on my breakdown happening on week 3, as opposed to day 3. I quietly wondered if I might have set a record! Thankfully, the wave of despair passed before the children arrived at school, and I was able to pull it together.

By the end of the first full week, I felt a little more confident about everything. I was set up on all the necessary systems, and I was becoming more familiar with them all. I knew that my progress would develop each week, and I vowed to be a little kinder to myself. I also planned to take some well-earned time out and pamper time over the weekend. In the words of the late Captain Sir Tom Moore, I told myself that 'tomorrow will be a good day'.